May 3, 2022

Ugh. I had this all thought out when I wasn’t able to write, now a clear expression eludes me. There is too much noise. I want to separate. I don’t feel ease in this space. I’ve been more often reaching for quiet, the noise that fills the spaces are only to deaden the silence. It’s not always because I want them, but I have become accustomed to sound, dependent on another voice to feel not alone. But now that is no longer adequate to provide what is needed. I wondered this morning if I might be slipping back into depression, it’s something I’ve been thinking of and writing about: that time of my life. But it doesn’t have the same feeling as before. This feels more like I just need to be by myself and step away from all the artifice that is distracting me. Though there are some parts that look and feel similar, they don’t feel similar in the same way.

I have been feeling a stillness that wants to be cultivated and nurtured. Walking in the world doesn’t feel comfortable right now. Even that statement feels almost contradictory: I don’t feel like I want to be out around the usual crowds, but going home to alone brings sadness and melancholy.

When I’m out and engaging, it feels draining to my very being. I walk down the hallway at work and the light is offensive. And I don’t crave the darkness that depression asks for, it’s the artificiality of it all. The artificial light, artificial conversations, artificial way we interact, over artificial interest. It is all so banal and exhausting. To be in conversation that is just manufactured by topics that hold no depth and don’t provide the space to really know the person you’re speaking with. So, I’m left wanting. Wanting to be in community, but unsure how and where to find one that will be a good fit.

May 4, 2022

Perspective and time can change your mood drastically and instantly. When I wrote the above, yesterday, I was feeling in a place of despair and discontent. But of course, feelings and emotions are transient, and you hopefully will not become stuck in or attached to them. This was helped by getting out and doing my routine afternoon walk, and stopping in to my former work space to say farewell to a colleague who is about to retire. I am always welcomed warmly when I visit, and it pushes aside the self talk that can warp my view that I am alone and forgotten.

But that is how the psyche has been conditioned. We zone in and focus on the negative, and quickly forget or dismiss the positive interactions. Or we create a false, suspicious narrative of what they were- that robs them of the positive impact they had; even knowing this does not prevent you from doing it.  And though I hear from many different thought leaders and teachers I follow, and from the formal practice of psychology and behavioral experts, that it is a good practice to reach out to others when you feel down, there’s a part of me that sees it as using the other person.  Though I know it can still be a genuine interaction, and they will and can benefit as well, and I’m sure most people want to help someone feel better by giving them some time, I still resist the urge.

 You know I am always in reflection and introspection, so I question everything. My theory is one I’ve touched on before; the doubts I have around people’s interest and genuine affectionate feelings for me, and I’ll add to that here, that I don’t want to put the burden of my issues on top of others personal difficulties. I say to myself, ‘people have their own stuff, they don’t need me adding mine’, so everything is dealt with internally and alone.

And while I find it easier to share more in this format, having personal conversations and discussions are awkward. As I shared with my sister, it feels like I’m intruding and interrupting the other person’s life, and I guess right now, I still struggle with thoughts of unworthiness, and don’t think I can ask for that from another person.

Though it is something I want, and try to consciously work through, however, these things take time. But this is why I share openly and honestly. So whomever reads this knows that it’s not an instant fix, or that there’s a guarantee that you only have to work through it one time. But you can develop habits, and tools, and build routines that can help you when you are having these experiences. And the more you do honest reflection and self inquiry the better you can recognize them when they show up.