It’s Sunday, November 13^th 2022 

I date this because it is a snapshot of me today. And though the intention is to share this in the immediate time frame, it may be delayed, but I hope not. I’m unsure of how and what I want to share, or maybe the more accurate is how much, and where to start. Though this is not my first posting it feels like a new beginning.  

When I started this, I thought I had a solid idea of how I would use this space. I said I didn’t want it to be too formal. That I wouldn’t overthink, or try to make something perfect. I didn’t want to be attached to how it would be perceived or interpreted, because the desire was just to share and put something out that might hopefully be useful, and a way for me to connect with others; I didn’t want to be concerned with being accepted or validated. But of course, those thoughts still crept in, and continue to creep in, influencing how, what, and when I share and write. 

I’ve posted multiple times that I would be my authentic and genuine self, and not worry about how that may look to others, and yet I still face resistance and hesitate to do so. I’m a natural overthinker, and I have things from my past that greatly effect and influence my ability to be comfortable presenting myself in a way that will be seen, scrutinized, and judged by others. 

I don’t fully know why I want to do this: this blogging or public opening of myself, and that has caused hesitancy also. I question my motivation and where this desire and need comes from. But how much of that is just the voice of doubt and resistance that comes in when you start to create, and how do you tell the difference? 

I guess sometimes you just have to do the thing and wait to see what happens instead of worrying what the outcome may be. Even now, typing that sentence: My throat starts to feel constricted, my jaw tenses, and my eyes tear up. 

The question of: Why do I want to share? Why do I think I have something worth saying that anyone would want to hear is loud in my head. But I’m going to say it anyway. I question if this is just a byproduct of the times we are in: this social media and Insta visibility we have access too. But then I think, people have been doing this for millennia; creating and sharing stories. Through books, newspapers, magazines, personal letters, pamphlets, all the way back to that first cave drawing. Even through our oral traditions and histories. The difference now is that you don’t have to wait on some magic good fortune that someone else will give you access to thousands of eyes.  

I fall back on that thought when I start to question the why. I also go back to an interview I heard with Daniel Pink on our desire to share our experiences and thoughts, and I’m paraphrasing. But it was basically that when we discover something that we feel makes our lives better, or brings us joy, it is our natural inclination to want to give that insight and wisdom to others that they may benefit from it also; and I try to hold that thought when the doubt and resistance and questions inevitably come. 

Then there’s the ‘analysis paralyses’, and the specter of perfectionism. I used to think perfectionism was just working on something until it was perfect, but more exposure to the concept revealed that it can also present as not doing something. Because there’s something that tells you if you can’t make it perfect why do it, and you just never start. Or you are delaying by continuously doing research, or waiting for inspiration to strike. Or, something I discovered for me: based in the fixed mindset lens, that if I don’t already know how, or can easily understand something, I can’t learn it or figure it out. 

This was supposed to be an introduction or preface to the thing I wanted to write about, but it seems to have become its own share; and that’s how I want it to be for me. Just letting what wants to be created be the thing that I release into the world. I know there needs to be consideration given for making my words comprehensible and digestible, and I want it to be relatable, but ultimately, I just want it to be available. 

The concern is what will the reaction be? Will this, will I, be understood? And the answers are; there is no way I can know how others will react. No, I will not be understood. Not by everyone, and not in the way my words are intended. No matter how clear I try to make my ideas, or how I try to make sure that the words and phrases I use take everyone into consideration. That is an impossible task. There is no way to express a personal idea or perspective that everyone is going to relate to in the same way, and I have to be ok with that. 

There’s a lot I’m going to have to learn to be ok with. But that’s the price I’m willing to pay to be free. 

I’ve expressed the idea that not doing the thing you feel called to do is a betrayal of your life, and it’s not all my original thought, others have expressed similar ideas. I was listening to the Rich Roll podcast recently and the way he expressed it made it hit differently. He said it was violent. I recently said it was selfish, but to think of it as being an act of violence to your life is a staggering thought. 

After writing all of this, do I feel any different or more comfortable? No! But I’m going to do it anyway. 

I don’t know how this will go out into the world. I don’t know what will follow this. I don’t know what, if anything, will be born of this. And it’s none of my business to know. It’s my responsibility to do and give. If the reason becomes what will happen, and what’s the result, it’s no longer with purpose to serve the why. 

So, this won’t be a preface for what I planned to share, it will stand as its own thing. But it will be the preface for how I hope, and want, to be able to share, give, and create moving forward. And I hope this will be the last time I have to share this thought, and I just move forward as I’m guided and inspired. 

My one wish is that this opens a space for anyone who might need what is offered, and finds it welcoming to be in this space. I’m not looking to make only serious and profound statements, just to give honestly as I receive. There will be a lot of unpacking of my life, but it’s not meant to come across as this “woe is me” narrative, or prescriptive formula to follow. It’s just me, my thoughts, lived experience-some of which were hard and traumatic-and my continued growth on this beautiful journey.