I was going through some old writing journals, to get some inspiration and see what I might want to share from past writings. I came across the original idea I had for my blog. I remember sitting in my car, in the parking lot at work, when I got the idea for the title.  It was March 17^th, 2019. And I want to share that here now.

Original Blog: Afraid Ashamed Alone

Don’t be put off by the title. This won’t be a “woe is me”, “the world is awful”, type of Blog. Neither will it be all unicorns and rainbows. It’s meant to be honest and authentic. The goal being to express how I am feeling at any given moment, and hopefully be a conduit for any one reading to do the same.

I’m not sure how I want to start: give a full background accounting of me so far, or just dive in to the right now and let myself unfold naturally, maybe a combination of both.

My name is Marvette, I’m 41(44) years old by number, but still feel my “age” is all over the place, dependent on time, place, and circumstance. It’s weird sometimes to identify with a number. With a number comes all these conditioned expectations of what you should be, have, or be doing by now. Growth doesn’t just happen in linear time; it’s fluid and abstract, an always moving quantum dance. With ever changing rhythms, melodies, and tempo. Some days I feel in perfect harmony with the beat, and some days I can’t even hear the music; my music has been a bit fractured lately.

I want to scream and throw things, cry, and sometimes just sleep. I feel mired in uncertainty and indecision. Wanting to “Do” something, but unable to move-as though a force is literally holding me back. It’s the ultimate example of resistance fear, or maybe it’s fear-based resistance. Is there a difference?

I love seeing people living their lives boldly, and in their own unique way. At the same time, it can cause such anxiety and dis-ease of my spirit. I know I have the capacity to do the same, there’s nothing in them that is not also within me. So why am I on the couch?

I feel some of it is lack of vision; not knowing what it is I want, so not knowing how/where to start. But the feeling of go/do is so LOUD sometimes, that it makes me just shut down, and find something to distract me in the moment. So, I can feel as though something is stopping me; other than my own fear of just leaping.

Of saying, “fuck it”, whatever happens, happens. “Oh well, at least I leapt.”

Back to the Now

Why did I choose that title for my original blog idea? I can remember coming home writing out this idea. When I thought of what was holding me back from living out loud, and what I feel holds so many of us back, it was these three words.

We feel AFRAID:

Afraid of being who we truly are because it may not look like what everyone else is doing that gets accepted. Will we be judged, ridiculed, or ostracized? That if we show these most intimate, true, parts of ourselves, and it gets rejected, we question our whole identity. What’s wrong with me? Why am I this way? Why can’t I just be “normal” and like everyone else?

We feel ASHAMED:

Ashamed to admit whatever it is we are experiencing. Because no one will understand this. No one else has ever had this experience, or these thoughts. There is no one who will be able to relate, and I will be seen as being odd, or weird, or strange. And I have held this in for so long, that now it is so powerful and seems so big; I can never tell.

We feel ALONE:

We don’t share our true selves with anyone, even those who we feel closest with. When we’re asked ‘how are you?’ the answer is rote and automatic. And you’ve played at being “fine” for so long, even if you want to share, you don’t know how. How do you tell people who you laugh with everyday, and who have never seen you have a bad moment, that you are struggling and hurting? And you could really use some help. How can you trust that they would want to be there for you? Because do they really like and love “you”, when you don’t feel you’ve ever shown a true version of yourself for them to get to know.

And this isn’t to say you’re lying about who you are, just that maybe you’ve never felt comfortable enough bringing your full self to your relationships. Because maybe you don’t even know who that is. You have been what is expected of you for so long, that you forgot what it’s like to be yourself.

Also, when I had the original idea, I wanted to, one: be vulnerable and brave. To start being who I was becoming. And to do it out loud, so I would no longer have to be who I thought I needed to be to be accepted, and to just be me. Authentically, all the time. No matter what that looked like, and who didn’t understand or approve.

And two: Allow others to have a blueprint to see how they could be their true authentic selves. And know that whatever that looked like, it was ok, and there would be a place it would be accepted, even celebrated.

We still need that place. I still need that place. I wrote this three years ago; I was changing then, and have changed and grown even more since that time. In ways that will still be questioined, and judged, and rejected or criticized. But no matter how cautious you try to be, you’re going to be judged, and rejected, and criticized. The question is, do you let what others say be more important than what you say? I’m still feeling my way into my authentic self. Not just what I want to show to others, but who is that for me?

Will there be missteps? Yes. Will I change my view and opinion? Yes. Will there be some things that need to be questioned? And tested, and retested to see if I feel the same today as I did yesterday, before I had more information, and other perspectives to consider? Yes

But I won’t let that stop me from being who I am now, in this moment. And I leave room for grace. For myself and others. No one will always get it all right, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be able to just be who they are. Even if it’s messy, or scary, or weird

Featured photo: Photo by MART PRODUCTION from Pexels