de·spond·ent

/dəˈspändənt/

adjective

1. in low spirits from loss of hope or courage.
2. implies a deep dejection arising from a conviction of the uselessness of further effort

This is the feeling I identified with yesterday, and may still be lingering some this morning. Where did it come from? Why is it here now?

My Saturday was a good day. I got out to a community event, something I have not done in years. I was able to connect or reconnect with people I had not seen in many years, and they were all positive, rewarding interactions. I was even able to connect with someone I met in an online social forum, and had a very rewarding exchange, with plans made to continue the conversation, and possibly do some work together. It left me feeling overall uplifted and inspired to cultivate more of these interactions. So, what happened Sunday?

With honest introspection, I try to sus out these feelings. It’s the self-doubt, and negative thoughts and beliefs that I still have to be intentional to keep at bay. And it’s not always a conscious thought directly related to the cause, it’s those seemingly peripheral little digs and voices that come in randomly.

You may not even be aware of them, or realize they’re there. That’s the thing with incessant thoughts, they just are. And if you’re not able to catch them and see what’s happening, you can become susceptible to everything they’re telling you. Then you start to feel down, and the voice in your head becomes your own, so you now are believing everything it’s saying because it’s your voice; and you would never tell yourself something that wasn’t true, or intentionally make yourself try to feel bad. Right?

And what are these thoughts:

• Why did this person want to talk with me?
• Were they really happy to see me?
• Why haven’t I kept in touch?
• Why did I say that?
• Was I making any sense?
• Why did I do that?
• Etc, etc, etc…

I have the realization I may be socially awkward; I’d never thought this before, not in these specific terms. That I may say awkward things because I’m feeling uncomfortable, but am trying to display confidence and self-assurance. That I feel the need to lead the conversation because I think, unconsciously in the moment, that I have to work to convince others of my intelligence and knowledge. That if I’m not always “on”, I’ll be seen as inadequate and somehow “lacking”. This is the contradiction. Because I know these things aren’t true. And even if someone else thinks this, if I think it–I don’t have to believe it.

I wish I could tell you that all the repair, and development work is a permanent solution. And once you identify and work through a negative belief, it will never come back; you are forever cured. Unfortunately, that isn’t how it seems to work.

What I can say is that with time, self-reflection, and introspection, you can develop tools to counteract these thoughts when they arise. You can catch them more quickly, and be aware when it’s the negative voice in your head versus your own, because it can sound a lot like you. And you are able to look at them bravely, without judgement, and with compassion for the you that is growing stronger.