Good morning. As I’ve said before, this is not a linear process, and each day comes with another oppurtunity to grow. Yesterday I posted on the socials in celebration of me, and while that is still a space I feel myself in, the following is also true. Right now, I just want to talk and share. This is going to be very honest and in the moment. I wanted to say vulnerable, because that’s the word being used for what this share will be, but it doesn’t feel like vulnerability to me. I’m not scared or reluctant; and I’m not concerned with how it will look to others; I just want to share what I’m feeling. To get it out of my head the best way I know how and that feels appropriate. And to possibly get some feedback. Also, as a big part of why I started this; to give others the chance to relate and see themselves in the things I share. That we all have similar experiences, and no matter how unique you think yours is there’s someone who understands what you’re going through and how you’re feeling.

Today is starting like almost every day of my life, which is part of the discordance I feel. The monotonous routine, the rinse and repeat feeling. And it’s not just a lack of excitement or the sameness, it’s the big questions that it leads me to ask, of myself and life in general. These are not new thoughts or feelings, I think this is just the first time I feel comfortable and ready to broach this topic in this direct and public way, because I know I’m not the only one who feels this.

So, the big questions. Of course, the most obvious, and probably most universally asked: Why? Not the why of existence, to me that is irrelevant: because we’re here, and this is happening, but the why of life. Almost daily as I’m walking into work, I’m wondering: what the hell are you doing? And it’s not that I dislike my job, I just don’t know why I’m doing something that doesn’t feel like why I’m here. And I meant to say this at the beginning; this is probably going to be very rambling and broad, there’s a lot I want to examine and explore; I hope you’re open to traveling this winding road with me.

I have these questions and thoughts constantly, and I think most times I try to push them away because it seems so big and unanswerable. I wrote in my previous post about shrinking our lives and living in truth and freely, but of course writing the words is a lot easier than following in action. I listen to a lot of podcasts; different styles and formats, with a variety of different types of hosts, who have an eclectic line up of guest and topics, though some have an obvious through line, some are more esoteric, so it gives me many different perspectives and exposes me to a plethora of ideas and concepts. They also have introduced me to some amazing people and stories of lives lived out loud that at times can cause questioning of how I’m living, or not living my life fully.

But it’s not that I’m having these thoughts as a result of the podcasts exposure, I’ve been having some version of this for years. Having that feeling of not being in the right place for me, but not knowing what it was, or how to even approach trying to understand what I was feeling. I know it started with my weight loss journey, which led somewhat to a more robust spiritual journey and exploration of that world, which led to an exploration of myself. Who was I? Why was I living the life I was living? What had led to this place, and why was I staying in it? And most importantly, how and could I change it?

But I had to keep doing the things I had been doing so long, which reinforced the routine and the habits, keeping me locked into those patterns. So though I had started asking questions, I didn’t know how to find answers, or even what I would do with them if I could. Because I had never really seen my life through the lens of choice, and I wasn’t conscious of that; I didn’t even know the word autonomy til I was in my thirties, and had no idea of what it meant to have agency. But as I began to shed the weight I was also shedding who and what the weight had caused me to be. For so long I had been subject to living only the limitations of my life, now I was removing what had been an obstacle to being who I truly was and could be; but I was so far into the life that had been built around those limitations, I didn’t feel the freedom, only confusion.

It started very subtly, just a little discomfort. But I had been depressed and sad for so long before this, I didn’t notice the difference at first. God, there’s so much I need to write to give this the context it needs, but this would turn into a book if I tried to do that all right now. I was going to work, and where before I think I was on auto pilot, now I was starting to realize, oh there’s a steering wheel. But I was still in the loop of wash, rinse, repeat. But the more I did with regards to being steady with my weight loss, the more I think other parts of me wanted in on this transition. I had never consciously chosen anything, as in saying; oh, I want this thing and let me see how I can make that happen. And I had failed so many times in the attempt to lose weight, so that was my reference point for trying to do something and never being successful, but now here I was, having very consciously chosen to live, and seeing that thought become a reality. I don’t think, no, I know I didn’t understand how that choice and accomplishment would change not only the physical me, but me the being.

I had never really known who I was. I listen to Jay Shetty, and he references this quote that hit me so profoundly, and I think applies to a lot of us and who we live as. It’s by Charles Holton Cooley: “I’m not what I think I am. I’m not what you think I am. I am what I THINK you think I am.”  And as I began to come out of the fog of the life I had been floating through, I realized I had been living as the perceptions of other people. I hadn’t heard this quote when I had that realization, but I just think it sums it up so eloquently and I like it. That at the various stages, and within whatever group I happened to be in, I became who I perceived these people perceived me to be, and began to match action to whatever that was so I could remain and feel as if I belonged. Not that I was consciously aware of this, and it was only in hindsight and starting the process of inquiry and reflection that I was able to have these revelations about my life. And while I had these insights, I didn’t realize that maybe I needed to work through what that meant. This was very early in my journey and I think I had the idea that just the awareness was enough. But when it comes to realizing your whole identity had been shaped by other people, you can’t just say, ‘oh, that’s interesting’, because if you’re not this person you have been living as for thirty-seven years, how do you even start to know you, and what does that process even look like?

It’s not that there was none of me that existed, it’s just that so much of it had shape shifted, and had done so multiple times with multiple groups. Now I had to determine what and how much of me was me. Which meant I had to start asking tough questions of myself, and looking at things I had done in support of the identity I had worn for so long. And this is not something that is going to be obvious to the people around you, one thing about this is that I think you become such an adept chameleon, you don’t know you’re playing a part, so no one else is going to know it either. Like no one knows when I was depressed. No one would have looked at me and thought I wasn’t what I presented every day; I didn’t even know I was depressed. At first, I thought I was just sad, which I had felt some form of it seems most of my life. I don’t even know what my awareness of the word was before I started to come out of it. It wasn’t something that had been part of my culture, and I think, I know, in the black community and environment I grew up I, these were not accessible terms to reach for, or how we even thought of daily life. This was just the reality of living.

I wasn’t intending to go this deep into my story this morning, I really just wanted to talk about my now, but as I start typing more spills out. But to get back to the now. My now: I keep having the recurring thought of why? What are you doing? I know I’m not doing what is meant for me to do. But I don’t know what it looks like to get there. Or even what it is. I have these feelings of wanting to just leave and go, but where and to do what? And I don’t mean runaway, there’s a big difference in running from something, versus going towards something and somewhere else, and it doesn’t have to be the physical location, though there is a part that wants to leave altogether. I have such an urge to roam and go and see. This restlessness that won’t be satisfied with a short trip or a few days somewhere different. And I ask myself, ‘what is holding you back’? The not knowing is definitely a big factor.  Uncertainty of if I could be what was needed to do something that I don’t even know what it will be. And the lack in believing that I could be anything other than what I’ve always been. I have to end this for now, I am at work and need to get fully engaged, I just needed to get some of this down now, and offer it out into the world.