Good morning, Musers.

Ok, so this is real time, right now. I usually do this and try to clean it up for grammar and spelling errors; try to get the right flow, and make it eloquent, but now I just want to talk. I said before that I want this to be as relatable and authentic as I can make it. Many times you see people’s stories and it’s just a summary of the finished product, with no real meat of what happened as it was happening; what did it look like; feel like, as it occurred. This is my transparent moment.

Right now, I feel disconnected. I’ve been having this mild underlying unease, but I hadn’t been able to name it, and look at it directly to call it what it was until yesterday (Sunday). I tried to do a mini digital and media fast for over the weekend; no podcast, or streaming, or social media. I just wanted quiet, and the space to hear myself. What was I thinking, feeling; to not use other conversations to fill the void and silence. I wanted to break the routine and habitual mechanisms I’ve come to reach for and rely on to be the substitutions for the things I don’t have right now. And while I try not to think of what’s “missing”, and focus on what is here now, I don’t have that level of control of the mind.

So, the first half of my Saturday was spent in quiet. I awoke and still did my ritual routine: praying, alter, feet on the earth, hot chocolate, and meditation. I didn’t turn on any devices; didn’t read my horoscope, which is a big part of the start of my day. I’m a big subscriber to the practice of astrology as a tool for understanding the self and others, but I didn’t want anything that wasn’t me to influence my thoughts. I used the first half of the day to read more in-depth on the science and application of astrology, so I could start to gain a better understanding to be able to interpret for myself. Then my sister called, and a chunk of my time was spent on an outing with family. Which brought other things to my attention and awareness.

While having conversation with a family member about life decisions, I found myself not maintaining the calmness I had just advised the week before. It wasn’t heated or contentious, I just wasn’t able to keep the level of calmness I would have liked, or that I think would have been gracious. The qualities I try to practice; active listening, allowance, acceptance, I did not display those in a conscious manner. It’s like the quote from Ram Dass, “If you think you’re enlightened, go and spend a week with your family.” And I am nowhere near enlightenment. It was still a nice and warm outing with family, but I did replay the missteps I made, so I had those to invade my mind and cause some judging thoughts.

Sunday, I allowed myself to engage with all the usual distractions. I do work to stay in awareness and presence when I’m using certain tools, so I enter into activities consciously. However, I think knowing that I was reaching for these things caused some of the discord. But it was the low level, or no satisfaction that I received that got me thinking more deeply and trying to name what the feeling was. Disconnection.

I had the thought that I’m doing things to try to make me have the feeling of “aliveness”, but that I don’t really feel it. I don’t feel it in the experience, or after. And I use the word substitution, because I think that’s what everything is; a substitution for what’s not. There’s no wanting or desire for anything. And I don’t mean in a nonattachment way, which can be beneficial, it’s more apathy, which is not a place in which I want to be.

In my previous post I referenced my last relationship, from which I’m still in the process of adjusting. I won’t give the full backstory, but it was extremely pivotal and substantial for me. I experienced a lot within that relationship that has had a profound affect. It opened me to so much, and there were numerous lessons and growth points; and I saw it as a big part of my why, and part of what I’m here for. If you haven’t figured it out by now, I can be a bit “woo woo”, for those who know that term. I prefer more open and expanded, or expansive- willing to see beyond the “norm”, and seeing the more esoteric in how life evolves and how we play in and with it. So, it’s more than just these synapses happening, there’s an energy and harmony that is within everything and everyone. And I think there was a certain energy created in, and through that relationship which was meant for more. I think that’s a source of the disconnection I feel. That there’s no why to the doing.

I can’t say that is all there is to this feeling. There is also the aspect of transition and change I feel. As I said I subscribe to astrology, and other modalities that don’t fall into the mainstream, though I think they are more prevalent in this younger generation, so it’s becoming more visible. Now I don’t mean the basic astrology most people know, which is your sun sign: Gemini, Capricorn, Aquarius; astrology goes much deeper than that. It is thousands of years old and very respected and honored in all cultures in some form. And just like the many personality test, i.e., Myers Briggs, Human Design, The Enneagram, it is a tool to help you in this dance of life, if you study it closely. The message I have been getting lately is that this is a transitional time, and not just through astrology. I was in North Carolina recently, during the Spring Equinox, and the beginning of Aries season. In astrology Aries is a cardinal sign, and cardinal signs represent initiation.

So, I’m in NC, staying in this cottage at the base of a mountain, (I’ll include some pics, it was beautiful) and I had bought an Oracle deck in Asheville, which is a hub for the mystical and esoteric. This was my first-time using cards, but it’s something I’ve been curious about, and this seemed a good time to explore, and the card I pull on this first day of Spring is for initiation. And when there is a period of transition and growth it can come with some confusion, and uncertainty, especially when you don’t have a set direction or thing of creation already planned. There has to be a level of trust and surrender, which some find discomfort with that word.

For me, I’m coming to see surrender not as the relinquishing of choice, and you’re not giving up autonomy, it’s saying I will flow with, instead of fight against life; which was the card I pulled yesterday. I can’t remember what it said verbatim, but it basically summed up this thought. And, while I find comfort in these practices and modalities, it doesn’t take away having to be in the experience. It did help this morning as I was able to say to myself, ‘this is where you are right now.’ It will not be your forever, but while you’re in it; feel what you feel, look at it directly, and take the lesson from this moment, but don’t become these feelings. That’s not to say it doesn’t still feel crappy and unpleasant, but I at least was able to frame in a way that felt more empowering.

I don’t know what there may be for anyone else in this share, but it felt good to offer it up. Thanks for being the sounding board I needed this morning.