Happy 1 month anniversary!!

I’ve been digging through my notebooks, reading over things I never got around to sharing, many written in preparation for when I would start blogging. So, today I’m sharing one of those entries here. Spirituality has been an integral part of the growth journey I find myself on. I know it has always been there, I just wasn’t accessing or in communication with it. I wrote this in January of 2019. And while I have grown and evolved in both my understanding and perception of spirituality, I wanted to share from the perspective of where I was. I also added some now perspective at the end.

We see a lot of the end results, but the process is sometimes glossed over or mentioned in vague, summarized terms. And I find myself asking, ‘yeah, but what did that look like?’ As I share more on this aspect of my life, and others, I hope to provide a vivid enough picture and description that you don’t have to try to fill in the missing pieces. And you can always ask for more detail.

I can’t remember why I gave it this title. I think it was a moment of clarity where I wanted to stop making it so complicated, and that is the message that came through, smaller consciousness. Just allow the knowing to flow through, and don’t feel you have to intellectulize everything. I still have to apply that message today.

January 10,2019

I can’t say definitively when spirituality became more than just a concept for me. It was something I had proclaimed as an alternative to religion, but had no genuine knowledge, understanding, or true awareness of what it was. But I knew when it came between the two, it held a more tasteful appeal. “I don’t believe in organized religion”, I would say, when questioned on whether or not I attended church, or when the presumptive question of which church I attended was put forth.

I didn’t have any bad experiences with church, it just never called to me on a deep level. I didn’t get caught up in all the fervor of a spirited sermon or get pulled into the energy. I tried to listen to, and hear the message in the words, but they didn’t resonate for me.

And when I got older and became exposed to theology, and began to view certain aspects of religion from a scholarly perspective, I could never just blindly follow things that, to me, didn’t feel right. It’s not something I gave any real thought, or time for contemplation, I didn’t really think of it at all.

There was a time when I would have a feeling of discomfort with the concept of God; it took me years to acknowledge that. I didn’t understand that God and religion were two separate things. I knew religion wasn’t something I could subscribe too, but if God and religion were one and the same, was I saying I didn’t believe in God? That didn’t feel right either.

 Seeing how this wasn’t a topic of conversation that came up often for me, it was easy to ignore as something I needed to explore and resolve for my greater growth and evolution. I did become more comfortable expressing how I felt about the subject when the topic was broached, and not feel like I had to give the easily acceptable answer.

As time passed and I gained more insight and a broader depth of understanding, I found relief in knowing that religion did not equate to God, and vice versa. This allowed me to be curious, and to explore what God was to me. Without the hang ups and distaste the concept of religion evoked. Now I could talk to my “Father” in a more genuine and authentic way, that didn’t feel like a lie.

Moving forward:

I think the start of, and desire for spiritual growth is in a person always, we just don’t know how to identify and name this thing that pulls us to start seeking, but it’s the awareness of it that determines when we start. However, once it starts, there’s no turning back, and the hunger for more is never satisfied or filled; which I think is beautiful to know.

I can’t identify the exact moment when I knew I had to start my journey back to my true self, but I know how it started.

 I was watching Oprah do interviews at the Apollo; it ended with a short interlude by Two Dope Girls. They were riffing, and they mentioned The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. At this point, I had heard of Eckhart Tolle, and had some recollection of the title of the book, but in that moment, without hesitation, I went to Audible and downloaded the audio version.  

I had already been thinking of finally exploring this concept of spirituality I had been identifying myself as, and thought I needed to finally see what that really meant. Since that split second decision, my aware self has been awakened, and continues to stretch and evolve.

I’ve always thought of myself as an open and accepting person, but I didn’t know how much so, until I became exposed to the world of spirituality. There are so many layers and perspectives to explore. One leads to another and another and another. And for someone like me, who has always loved learning and discovering new things, I could not get enough.

First came the awareness, then the understanding and resonance of these concepts. And when I began to make them applicable and available to my life, the expansiveness became limitless. I wanted to find as many modalities and teachings as possible.

I listened to the Power of Now at least ten times. Sometimes just relistening to certain chapters that I found especially reverent, and others the full text. The spiritual path can seem a bit abstract and conceptual, especially when you’re new to it. Though it wasn’t hard for me to understand, I wanted it to be something I could utilize automatically. For it to be an intimate part of me. Something I could call forth as readily as the alphabet, or one plus one equals two. And it has become that for me, and so much more.

Addendum, 2022

The way I try to explain it is to compare it to learning in school. When you first start, you’re at zero, but with each thing you learn, it makes the next thing easier to understand, and you can learn them more quickly than the first thing you learned. But your understanding is constantly growing and expanding also. You think you’ve gotten a particular concept or teaching down, and then it’s presented in a different way, or in relation to something you’ve not applied it to before, and you feel like you’re understanding this for the first time. Which is associated with the Buddhist concept to be an empty cup. If you come with a full cup there is no room to receive, but an empty cup is open and available to be filled.

And I have further reconciled my relationship with the concept of religion. It is no longer something I feel I have to be separated from completely. I still do not identify with, or subscribe to it particularly, but I am able to see it as another practice of, and entry into spirituality.

I don’t want to sell this as an easy path and journey, it’s scary and disconcerting when you start asking yourself questions that challenge everything you thought you knew. You have moments of profound gratitude, and moments when you wish you could just go back to before. The spiritual path is not for the faint of heart. You not only learn to be a truer more connected self, you have to extend that grace outward to everyone, and that’s where you can get tripped up. At least at first. Because seeing someone beyond the labels, and their actions takes practice, and it takes being honest with yourself, that these things exist in you as well.

This is my first share into this part of me. I hope it was clear and comprehensive. I will be expanding on this journey, and all I have come to understand. About myself and the philosophy and thoughts I have formed through the lens and concept of the spiritual. It may get a bit woo, and esoteric, but I hope it engages your curiosity and brings benefit for your life journey.