Disclaimer: This Blog is not meant as a source of advice. It is for sharing my journey. In that sharing I will reference certain practices and tools I use, but it is not meant to prescriptive. Always be mindful of your personal capacity and ability to use any new tool, and monitor how it makes you feel.

Me-First Installment

I want to start telling more of my story, but I’m not sure where, or how, to start. Should I start chronologically and move from beginning to now? Or should I start with whatever memory is coming up in this moment and see how it connects to now. Inside it reminds me of being in a classroom, and the kids are raising their hands and bouncing in their desk, saying pick me, pick me.

There are so many things flooding in about which I want to speak. Things in my adult life, but I feel like they need the childhood connection to properly contextualize their significance to my now; or whatever frame of time to which they’re related.

 Also, I tend to ramble and jump around when I try to tell a story, because there’s so much that wants to be expressed. I don’t often speak on myself so I don’t have the practice. Maybe that’s a good place to start. Why I find it difficult to speak of myself, and how I’ve begun unpacking these behaviors and their origin. Though I won’t go into full detail here; that will come in future shares.

In my memory I can recall always being the listening friend. I don’t remember having any personal stories to relay or things to talk about. I didn’t have any separate interest outside of school, so there were no resources to pull from. Not that I wasn’t a contributor to conversation, but it was only to respond, I don’t remember doing much initiation. On reflection, I think it was because of the same reason I find it awkward and uncomfortable now, though I didn’t understand this then. And why it doesn’t come easily to me; I don’t think I have anything interesting to contribute.

I know that may seem like an oxymoronic statement seeing as I’m sharing this in a blog; but there’s a difference between this medium and in the moment conversation. I don’t know why I developed this behavior. As a small child I can remember being so outgoing and precocious; I never had a problem starting a conversation. When going out in the world I was the one always easily making a new friend and finding kids to play with, even if the friendship was only for that single interaction. But at some point, that changed, and I became quiet. And right now, in real time, I find myself excavating more of the cause. Again, more to come later.

I think all school of thought will agree that our personalities and behaviors are formed during childhood, and by childhood experiences. And I think my natural trajectory was hijacked at a fairly early age. So, I transitioned from being this confident, self-assured being, to someone who questioned and doubted herself; and I find myself at age 44 still trying to reclaim who I was originally.

It’s not that I am unable to have conversations, believe me, I can express myself very well; it’s the interpersonal dialogue that doesn’t come so easily. I can speak on topics of interest, or things about which I’m passionate, but I don’t feel that’s the same as sharing an intimate version of yourself. And that is a significant hindrance to building deep, connected friendships. Which is why my circle is very small. And that’s not a negative, quality over quantity and all. But there have been, and are, some relationships I would like to deepen.

I’ve met so many amazing, accomplished, dynamic, and smart people; but then I question, what do I have to contribute? What can I bring to a relationship with this person? And it feels like such a paradox and contradiction of how I see me. I don’t doubt my intelligence or intellect, and when I say I know I’m an amazing person, I do know it; what I don’t know is if others will recognize it. Or will I be viewed through societal and cultural standards of what makes a person worthy?

Even when I’m complimented and told how intelligent I am, I filter and analyze why the person saying it might think that. I know it is all the social conditioning we get indoctrinated with: that one’s education, career, wealth, status, are what gives you worth, but the knowing doesn’t negate the immediate reactions I have. Also, time and attention are our most valuable and valued asset. Is this person willing to spend it on me?

I know too many this may not seem obvious, as I probably present a very confident person, and I am that as well; like I said, oxymoron. But we are complex, multifaceted beings, and we are capable of holding more than one true thing at once. Yes, I’m confident, and comfortable, and sure of my abilities; I don’t have doubts of who I am, but who do you see?

I don’t want this to come off as though I don’t feel any connection, I have connections that I value and appreciate, but I wonder what more could they be if I didn’t have these doubts and insecurities. And I wonder how much of me didn’t develop for lack of being able to share with others?

I have much more to say on this topic, but I’ll leave just this for now, because the more I write, more comes flooding in. And it’s not something that will be resolved just having the awareness. There will have to be reflection and more inquiry; developing habits to counteract this internalized narrative that I’ve consciously and unconsciously built over many years.

Also, let me say this. These are not my prominent incessant thoughts about myself, nor do I believe them. They are just the answer to a question that comes up for me; when I wonder why I react, behave, or respond in a particular way. We have many thoughts, either about something internal or external, but that’s all they are, thoughts. You don’t have to believe them, and thinking a thing doesn’t make it true.

So, this is me, being naked and raw. Hope this share lets others know it’s ok to still be in the process. You won’t ever reach complete, but that means you’re forever evolving. Know the world will not end, you will not die, so just do the thing. Whatever that is for you. Until next time Musers