The Universe Owes Me A Breakdown

Ok, so maybe that title seems a bit dramatic, but hear me out, as this ends on a much brighter note, I promise.

I first had this thought in my mid to late twenties. I was in a place of confusion, disappointed with how my life looked, on the verge of chronic depression; although I didn’t know that at the time, and just all around feeling lost. I didn’t have any sense of self or awareness of what that even was. When I looked out into the world I didn’t see a place for me.

I was morbidly obese, you’ll hear more on this topic in future writings, had no personal identity, and no reason for being. I hadn’t yet started my spiritual journey, and didn’t know of any traditional resources or tools to help someone who was feeling as I did.

What is Mental Health?

At the time mental health was not this main stream recognizable, normalized, and accepted service or need that it is now; especially in the Black community. The concept of mental health, even as it was known then, was not something for us. We didn’t get tired, or burned out, nor depressed. When we did show these unnamed symptoms, the age old solution was to go to church and pray; however, I was not an organized religious person, and had not yet fully realized the distinction between religion and the Divine. I just knew I didn’t want to stay feeling trapped in what looked to be a bleak now, and more miserable future. The only reference I had for mental health issues was hearing of people having a nervous breakdown.

A Way Out

I didn’t exactly know what a breakdown looked like or what it entailed, but I imagined it was getting to a point where you couldn’t function in day to day life and you could check out for a while without being judged for not putting your head down and struggling through. However, again, Black culture had trained me against that concept. This was just what our life was, and all others around me seemed to be doing ok; I couldn’t be the one to say this is too much, I’m hurting.

Moving Through Pain

I would daydream about my breakdown; thinking one day I’d be so overwhelmed(hence?)(and) it would just happen. I kept waiting, and when something really stressful would happen, I’d be like, “ok, now, it has to happen today, I can’t face tomorrow”, but alas the “strong black woman” trope was stronger than my misery. So, I muddled my way through and made it into my thirties, which is when the real despair began to come out. I didn’t know this in the time it was happening, for some of it I didn’t have the language, and for most of it I wasn’t aware I was in a mental health crisis. I thought it was just more of the same, it’s just harder now, especially since I no longer had the distracting lifestyle to numb me.

I felt completely checked out from life. My day consisted of work, home, eating, and sitting on the couch watching television. Nothing was interesting, there was nothing I wanted that would make me want to change. I didn’t want to see anyone, not even family. I just went on autopilot and did what was necessary.

Catalyst

This went on for a number of years, and then the thing happened that would begin to shake me out of the fog of misery.

I had a health scare that prompted me to finally confront the life long battle I had with food and my weight; promise I’ll share more on this in future post. Though, as with many things, nothing is just one thing.

While in the course of developing a healthier physical lifestyle, I began a spiritual exploration also. I would say I had for a long time had an interest in the spiritual, its what I claimed instead of religion, but I had never delved into what all of it meant, or what it would mean for me.

The Rebuild

Over the next few years I listened, read, studied, exposed myself too, and began exploring spirituality as a practice. Astonishingly, the most amazing thing happened, I began to wake up. I awakened to life, possibility, expansion, and discovering a person I never knew existed; Me!

Now it’s six plus years since I started this transformative process. I have tools and practices; ritual and routine, and I have grown so much beyond the belief that I am just a helpless being that life is happening to; I am co-creating with life.

Do I still have rough days, of course; spirituality does not equal a perfect life with no challenges or frustrations, that’s how we grow. However, now I have something to reach for, and being connected with that gives me agency and perspective. Now I have too much knowledge and foundation for that breakdown.

But…

But there are some days when I’m just like, “really, this is what we’re doing today?” And I just sigh longinly. Oh well, I missed my chance. And I know it doesn’t take a breakdown to have a break through.