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Why do we shrink ourselves, which simultaneously shrinks our lives?

 This is going to be a compilation of different messages and contemplative thought that has flowed to me. I didn’t share them initially because I either wanted to go back and clean them up, or after re-reading I was doubtful and self-conscious about putting them out for public viewing. Either because of how I might be judged, or that my words would be misinterpreted or misunderstood. And that any response would be a reflection of my value and worth. Now I just want to let go of all of those barriers and blocks. I realize as much as I thought this was me expressing myself freely and fully, there has continued to be constraint and reservation in how and what I share. There has been the worry of what I say, and how that will be received and critiqued; the need to write well, so that I will be seen as intelligent, and get approval and validation in that way. Because as much as I want to be done with being attached to these things, they are still present. Therefore, I have to make the conscious effort and action to not let those be influences. Yes, I want my writing to be comprehensible and correct, but at what point does that become more important than what I want to say?

So, how do I start to share in a way that will be well received, and that will be authentic and natural to me? This morning I had all these affirmatives running through my mind, and I felt so empowered and sure in the moment. But of course, now, as I mentioned above, the questions and doubt come up. One of the things I identified this morning, while listening to someone else, was the way they talk with such assurance and confidence in what they are saying. And I realize I don’t feel that same confidence when I speak. There’s that small, and sometimes not so small, voice that ask, “why do you think you have something to say, or that someone else will want to hear it?” Even when I do get positive and affirming feedback, that only last a few minutes. By the time I get ready to write something else, all those worries are right there with me, just as they are right now.

I remember listening to Steven Pressfield talking about resistance. He said resistance is not just this conceptual thing, but an actual entity that comes in when we want to do something, and brings up all these doubts and negative thoughts that stop us from acting on our ideas. It made sense to me and resonated at the time, but then there was the moment that it truly hit. I saw it in real time, and how it always came up for me. I was sitting in my car, having my silent moment before walking into work. There were all these ideas flowing and coming in, and I was excited with the possibility of what I might create and things I wanted to do, then just like that, tears began to well up. I can’t do these things; I don’t know how to get started; I don’t have the skills, or connections, or resources. This isn’t possible for me. That’s when it hit, ‘Oh, this is resistance, this is how it comes up for me. This is how it stops me from doing, being.’

All the times this had happened began to come back to me. I thought it was just me accepting my inadequacies and feeling the pain of realizing I couldn’t do or have the things that I was creating and thinking in my mind. But now I saw that this was resistance rising within me. And this can be another name for ego, but not as a negative thing, just as that part of us that wants to keep us safe and from being hurt; I have a more expansive piece I want to write on this, so I won’t go into full detail here. Now I could recognize this when it occurred, but that doesn’t mean I was immediately cured and able to work around this phenomenon. I still have years of conditioning and behavioral habits that don’t magically disappear with the awareness.

Below are some things I’ve written at various times in the last few months, some maybe spanning back further. There are things I have been able to identify that have caused me to hesitate, and doubt sharing my voice. Things I wrote in moments of feeling empowered; and some things that were just flowed to me. It may not all be succinct and perfectly edited, I don’t know how much I want to try to make it pretty and perfect; one of the forms of my resistance; thinking it must be just right.

I’ll start with what I thought might be my first blog post, but then decided to do something that might be a softer introduction. And be better received and relatable.

Hesitation

I think part of the hesitation is that when I present this version and this iteration of myself, some people who know me will interpret it as a lie. Or will think, “I know her, that’s not who she really is”; ‘I know when she did this’, and ‘I know when she did that’; she did all these things that do not match the things she’s writing here.

Though they have seen some parts of my change, there are aspects I keep toned down or unexpressed. I don’t usually express it completely because I know there are spaces where it may not be as readily received or understood. Not that they don’t have the capacity or the ability to comprehend. It just may not be the types of topics, or subjects, or conversations that may resonate; so, I do not have those types of discussions. When I present it now, they may see it as ‘not me’, or not an honest representation of who they know. However, who they know me to be is me conforming myself to fit into that space, not in a way that is a lie, but in a way that will be easier, in a way I know can be better received and accepted. One that doesn’t cause awkwardness or a feeling of discomfort in the moment

 The best way I can say it is, I think of when you acclimate yourself to your environment, so that it’s like you’re adapting. It’s not a lie, it’s not that this isn’t who I truly am, it’s more that it isn’t the full wholeness of me. There are certain conversations that I may have with certain people where I can express my true spiritual, or more expanded perspective. However, there are other times where it would require too much explanation of the ideas I may be trying to share. And they may not be appropriate or wanted in that moment. There are concepts, and belief systems, and understandings that the secular and mainstream, and “average” person has, that greatly differ and contradict the way I now feel and see things. And if I were to present my new perspective of things it might not be so easy to continue having certain relationships and conversations.

Of course, we all vacillate in our everyday personalities throughout the day, depending on the people we are around and within different situations. You comport yourself appropriately to be considerate and respectful of the other. But that’s not always all of you, and it’s finding that balance of showing who you are in all your authenticity, and being mindful of how that will be received. Though I cannot control, and don’t feel I have to be responsible for another’s reaction.

The Me I Don’t See

Other people see so much more in me than what I see. I passed a colleague in the stairwell and was asking her about the leadership team program that she’s enrolled in and how it was going. Her response was that it was going well; ‘you should apply’. I said I had thought about it but, had a lot going on at the time; I have more free time now. She said ‘well you should apply because you’d be great at it’.   ‘Do you really think so?’ “Of course, I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t think so”. So that is what led to this train of thought. Also, as I was getting ready to go on my walk one of the therapists on the floor which I work, whom I hadn’t seen in a while, and he commented, ‘you look great’; that was a bright spot. Not because it stroked my ego or anything; whenever I get those type of compliments, I appreciate it but it doesn’t inflate my sense of self. It was just nice that someone can see that in me, I appreciate that. However, it just made me think about how other people see me versus what I see in myself. Also, sometimes what I see in myself, I don’t think other people can see, so I wonder what is the discord in that, which one is true?

I was thinking of how there’s so much doubt and questioning of my ability. And as I started thinking of signing up for the leadership program, I stop and, I’m like, but why? What would be the purpose of that? What would I do with that training? (Resistance) Because while I know there’s something for me to do, I still have those questions and those doubts about how it will present. How it will be created; what exactly will flow; is this a part of it? This line of thought continued as I was on my walk.

How between the ages of 8, and I would say 37, so much of my personality, and who I am, was shaped from the lens of inadequacy, misery, pain; trying to be a person who would be accepted and liked. Feeling like I was being so abused from an emotional and mental perspective, that what was formed and shaped: this person is just so much not me, if that makes sense. It makes me think- I was rereading something I wrote about my weight loss, and the phrasing that I used-everything about me was coping, survival, just trying to make it through the day. It’s like my personality that developed wasn’t mine so much as it was just what was needed in a moment to survive and cope. And I know that can be life in general, but mine did not come with- it didn’t feel like- choice or agency, it was just survival. There was no idea of person who attached to it, an idea of this is me making these decisions, making these choices; it was all reactionary. Never respond and choose, always reaction to survive.

Free

How to start this? Just finished listening to Jessamine Stanley( Everday Yoga, Yoke: My Yoga of Self Acceptance)on At the End of the Tunnel podcast, and it inspired me one: to record this, and two: to go ahead and be all the way free. We spend so much of our lives and our time being muted, and censoring ourselves, minimizing who we are; shrinking ourselves to fit an image that the rest of the world will find acceptable and validate. But why are we doing this? We’re still going to be judged, we’re still going to be criticized, we’re still going to be rejected; so, what is it all for? At this point I am just going to live free. I’m going to say what I want to say; I’m going to do what I want to do; I’m going to be who I truly am.

That is not to say that I intend to be intentionally offensive, or rude, or crude in my language or my actions, it just means that I won’t be censoring myself so that I won’t be judged, or critiqued, or criticized, or rejected. Because, as I said, all of that is going to happen anyway. So yes, I will be mindful and considerate and respectful. What I choose to no longer do is not be in my truth; the only one who gets satisfaction from that is other people.

What you think you are gaining by censoring yourself and saying what is going to be more pleasing or acceptable will never get you whatever it is you’re trying to obtain. I want to just be free, and live as I truly am. And I can be okay with that, because I know the person who I truly am is not someone who would be offensive or insensitive to others; or intentionally rude or crude or unkind, because that’s not who I am. I feel comfortable doing that, maybe for some others it might not work as well; it depends on the person you are. But for me, as who I am; a mindful, intentional, kind person who genuinely cares about the impact the things I do and say can have on others, I know I will be kind with my words and my actions. But I will also be me; I will also say the truth.

That doesn’t mean I feel like now I have to speak on everything. However, when I do speak, it will be me speaking. Not a censored watered-down version that is wanting to be accepted and validated, and given worth and value by others responses to the things I do and words I speak. Now, I just want to live my life; because who knows how much time we have. The soul is infinite, but each lifetime is very well defined and finite. You can have 20 years or 120, and either way it will seem like forever and not enough. And I want my life to be lived.

I do not know who will emerge but I know she will be a more true, full, and whole version of me; she will be the truth. I’m not scared to see what will come. The fear comes in going through the process, because I know this me. I’m familiar with her, I know her likes, her dislikes; I know all parts of her. I know what to expect every day for every situation, but that is no longer what I want to experience. So, though I know this version and I’m familiar with her, I am uninspired and unenthusiastic about living each day as one continuous monotonous occurrence.

Now I have to embrace the process of going through the shift and the changes. Though I don’t know what will come next, I know it will be the truth. It will be a more expanded, more evolved version; one able to live each day from a place of discovery and interest and curiosity, not just a day to be endured and to finish. What I seek for this process is to just allow all that wants to come through the freedom to express itself. For the practices I have been learning and working with to have the effect of shaping and shifting me into the new: my Why.

I do not want to live small.

I do not want to give other people’s opinions more relevance than my truth.

I do not want fear to choose for me.

I want to live: with, for, as, who I am.

I want to be bold and free.

*This post contains affiliate links. If you click on the link and make a purchase the author may receive a percentage.*